{{NSFW}}
One gay day in November, I got a phone call.
"Hello there, Happy Fappy."
How did he know my name?
"I need you to do something for me. I want you to dance."
"No," I said. "Fuck that shit."
A gun popped out the phone's screen. It was aimed at my penis.
"You think this is a game, dipshit?! I'll blow your dick off so you'll be a virgin forever!"
I was scared, and yet, slightly turned on. Nethertheless, it went flacid soon enough, and I agreed with a sigh and some hezitation.
The gun dissapeared. "Good," the voice said, "now dance."
I did, doing the tango, conga, and all the cheesy shitty dances I knew.
He fapped to this. "Great. Now go outside, naked."
I did. I was enjoying this.
"Rub the snow on your man tits."
I did.
"Roll around in the show, and ram a snow penis."
I did, and he burst, but then reloaded.
"Now run up and down the street, to this song."
I got a message containing the song. And just as I was about to, he said:
"Plug it into a large speaker."
Sighing, I did, and ran up and down, dancing to it. Eventually the cops arrested me for public nudity, getting someone pregnant, arson with my penis, murder, and somehow causing a riot because my balls were not shaved. For it, I got a 20 year sentence.
I dropped the soap in jail, and learnt from my mistakes to NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. My inmate was a serial rapist, his name was Shrek, and he would discipline me every night. My ass was sore when I left. Shrek told me, just before I left:
"Follow your dreams."
And my dreams were to do the exact same things, over and over. I couldn't say no! So I did. And I keep getting the phone call, since I'm too retarded to change my number. It's a repeating cycle, but I cannot die, since Shrek gave me ogre piss which grants infinite life to drinkers.
HELP ME...
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''Written by ''